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Parent and child relationships after divorce

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” -Oscar Wilde

What are a child’s needs?
Children have right to benefit from continuing relationships with both their Parents and extended families, even if they do not live full-time with a particular parent.

Maintaining the relationship between parent and child allows the child to:
-Establish and retain an identity within the family,
-share experiences, interests and abilities with a parent although they do not live with him or her;
-foster a sense of belonging and security; and
-talk about any difficulties they may have in the relationship with their parent(s).

Likely Feelings
Both parents, whether living with or away from a child, may experience both positive and negative feelings about their relationship with the child. Both parents may feel:
-Satisfaction – helping your child to maintain important family relationships;
-Relief at having a break on occasion from childcare responsibilities;
-Pleasure – sharing activities and time with the child;
-Anger – if the other parent prevents contact or it seems to be unreliable or obstructive
-Fear – of being compared to the other parent;
-Irritation or resentment because normal family life and relationships are disrupted.

The child is likely to hover between
-Happiness at keeping the relationship with both parents
· Relief that the conflict associated with the separation is finally over

-Fear of separation from a parent or both
· Fear of rejection by a new partner or other children involved;
· Loss and sadness about the loss of the family until as it was;

-Anger when a parent is unfair or continue to generate conflict;
· Confusion when the parent cannot agree on important issues about the upbringing of the child.
· Anxiety about the possible loss of sense of security and belonging; and
· Locality conflict when the child is expected to make a choice.

How you can help:
-Listen closely to your children’s needs and try to fit in as far as possible;
-Keep arrangements consistent and part of a routine, yet be flexible when appropriate;
-Give reassurance that you are okay when they are not there, and will be when they return;
-Show you understand their feelings towards you and the other parent;
-Don’t put down the other parent – try to accommodate the relationship as a normal and acceptable part of life for yourself and your child;
-Don’t use your child as a messenger, spy or weapon;
-Allow the children the right to love both of you – don’t make them choose; and
-Acknowledge the other parent’s role and contribution to the children’s lives.

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