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Information for divorcing parents about their children

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A popular author once wrote: “Children begin by loving their parents, later they judge them, rarely, if ever, do they forgive them”.

Separation and divorce is a traumatic experience with sometimes serious emotional, financial and personal consequences for all parties in the household, including the minor children. Divorce implies a change and needs to be managed in a balanced and responsible way otherwise it could have negative long-term implications for all involved. Children are mostly the victims in that they have no real personal control over the end result. Divorce implies two separate households, and in practice the children will normally live with one parent (custody) and visit the other parent (access). Children need to be informed about the process of divorce, and the consequences (and changes) it holds for them. Parents should at least:

-Reassure their children that they still love them and that they are not the reason for the breakdown of the marriage;
-Create a dignified post-divorce situation by dealing with all issues in a mature and non-confrontational way. The way the parents handle their problems may influence the children in how they deal with their future relationships;
-Assuring their children that it is okay to have a continued good relationship with the other party. Children desperately want to be loyal to both parents;
-Be careful not to allow the children to become messengers for them. Parents should communicate with each other about their children. Children are often also prone to tell the parent what they think the parent wants to hear.

This is often caused by divided loyalties;
-Listen sympathetically to their children’s feelings and opinions without judgment;
-At all times, refrain from making the children part of their arguments;
-Be as positive as possible about the other party when talking to their children. The fact that the marriage has failed does not imply that the (extended) family ceases to exist;
-Never rely on the children for emotional support;
-Talk to their children’s teachers so that they understand the children are going through a difficult time;
-At all times, keep the focus on the children’s well-being instead of their own views of what is “fair”.

How do children behave?
Children of before school going age normally find the separation very difficult to understand. Older children can experience a time of confusion and uncertainty which may affect their sense of security. However, it is by now quite clear that the trauma children experience, is not caused by the separation as such, but by the on-going conflict associated with the divorce. Children are in danger of losing the ability to establish meaningful relationships later in life if they are constantly exposed to this type of conflict, causing them to be disloyal to a parent. If parents handle their problems in an aggressive and unrelenting way, they are in fact teaching their children to react in the same way towards other people, and sometimes even towards the parents themselves.

Some children will become:
-Withdrawn and not want to talk;
-Clingy and not want to separate from the parent;
-Rebellious and difficult to handle;
-Aggressive;
-More babyish or more adult in their behaviour.

After separation children are very sensitive to conflict between their parents. It is not the disagreements between parents that causes trauma for the children, but how the parents handle these disagreements. Constant conflict put the children in the middle of their parents’ fights and this may cause a break-down in the relationship with one, or sometimes both, the parents. If parents do experience behavioural problems with their children post-divorce it is suggested that they consult with a social worker or psychologist in order to correctly diagnose the problems their children may be experiencing. Once they know exactly what causes the trauma, only then can they take proper remedial steps.

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